I Rant, therefore I am...

(Shamelessly pilfered from Dennis Miller)

"That stinks man, that is total BS!" - Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe from Frazier.

A few of my NOT favorite things and some that tick me off, in no particular order...

Why can't people on I-25 or as us Colorado natives call it, "The Valley Highway", just simply pass an accident at 65 mph? Unless there is a body in the road, then gawk as you pass by in a blur!

Guys who can't seem to lift the ring on public toilets. My wife taught me that and I can appreciate that too. Hey fella, you're not that good of an aim!

The speakers at drive-through restaurants. Can't McDonalds spring for some amps and better microphones?

Is it me, or is Cell Yell still alive and well? Are they deaf or do they just want everyone near them to know that Aunt Claudia just had that boil lanced?

Do you think the cops really want to know if you know how fast you were going?

Do you think it is acceptable when people apparently didn't know they pulled into the pay cash only line on the toll way? Do they really have to dig in the console, the glove box, between the seat cushions and apparently under the passenger side mat to find "exact change"?

Do you think it's acceptable for someone in line in front of you at WalMart to send their kid back for "just one more" clearance cat toy? If you're not done shopping, don't get in line!

Is it alright for a person outside of McDonalds on the 16th Street Mall to ask me for money when he is wearing a $400.00 FUBU jacket?

Warning Labels, Always Fun...

Hairdryers:
Is it necessary to tell me not to use the blow dryer IN the bathtub? Am I in that much of a hurry? And if so, then what am I doing taking a bath in stead of a shower? Hey, I do appreciate the picture of the person in the tub holding the hair dryer with a big red circle and a line through it, though

Toll Booth

Pulled into the pay toll lane on E 470 the other day. Is it necessary for them to post, 55, 45, 35 in order to get me to slow down? Did they think I was going to wiz by at 70 and throw my dollars at the lady?

Finger licking and lip smacking good!

What is it about people that smack their lips and chew with their mouths open while eating? Do they really feel, like someone once told me, that they get more flavor out of it that way? Or is it that they just want you to enjoy the view of the food as it runs through their Cuisinart?I have grand babies. It is perfectly acceptable for them to chew with their mouths open, garble their sentences while talking with food in their mouth, spit cracker crumbs all over the cabinet while eating, and suck on hard candy with a great deal of vacuum pressure and sound. If you're not just learning how to eat again though???

Frosted Pillows

Last year I found several in the ditch.

We have Frosted Flakes, Frosted Shredded Wheat, Frosted Cheerios and now, frosted pillows.

I whizzed by at 75 miles and hour and said, "Is that a couch pillow in the median?" Jeanie shrugged. A few hundred yards later, there was another and another. This warranted turning around for they were not ordinary couch pillows, they were some of the finest that Big Box Store White Haired Guy With All the Lions could muse about. But since we were in a hurry to get to our destination, we decided to let them be and if they were to be ours, they would still be there on the way back. So, being the master of procurement that I am, on my return trip a few hours later, I stopped and picked up the frost covered pillows! About six in all, scattered across the interstate.

Some lady out in Nebraska is probably sitting at this very moment on a couch with mismatched pillows; no doubt chastising her husband every time she plops down on the cushions about how he should have tied them down tighter...

I guess her misfortune, is my gain...

The Shuttle...

It was a long day the other day when I climbed on the 16th st. mall shuttle. I've seen a lot of things downtown-from body piercing's in places that make one wince, to people so tattooed that they look like Lexi-the Reptile Woman at the Circus.

So I climbed on the shuttle to ride to my overpriced parking spot and noticed a book that the dred-locked guy had stuffed in his grimy backpack: Hypnosis for Beginners

I stifled an audible laugh.

Is that not like: Do It Yourself Brain Surgery? or Medium- 101? maybe Telepathy for Dummies?

Can one teach themselves how to hypnotize? And what if you are practicing in the mirror and turn yourself into a person that runs around in a circle, picking your nose and barking at Simon Cowell on the TV every time the microwave dings?

Imagine that you are suffering from some sort of childhood trauma like being abducted and probed by aliens? You decide that your only hope is to attend a session with a hypnotist and on their wall is a framed certificate with a perforated edge from the bargain book bin?

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